Eaten Alive By Sydney
February 9, 2010 – 2:49 am | 5 Comments

When the prospect of a shift to Sydney is raised, the doomsayers often rise as well. And they’re nasty! The manner of one’s demise is always different, but the result is always the same – …

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Eaten Alive By Sydney

Submitted by on February 9, 2010 – 2:49 am5 Comments
Eaten Alive By Sydney
When the prospect of a shift to Sydney is raised, the doomsayers often rise as well. And they’re nasty! The manner of one’s demise is always different, but the result is always the same – a Sydney Newbie simply can’t survive.

Moving to Sydney is tough. Expats won’t know what hit them. The city is too fast and too brutal – the pace will sap you, heat zap you and pollution swamp you; the funnel-web will fang you and radio hosts harangue you. Footy players will bash or bang you. And CEOs and spectators aren’t adverse to the odd punch either, spank you very much.

Even a slower pace can be tortuous if traffic gridlock reduces you to a crawl. With your foot seizing up due to its unnatural position on the brake and your mind going numb due to the constant imploring of the Tom-Tom to ‘take the exit in 800 metres’, you switch on the car radio and hope you don’t fall victim to talkback overload. The good news is that car-jacking in a traffic jam isn’t an option, but you still keep the windows up so you don’t leave yourself open to the evils of the fearsome wildlife, toxic smog or a road-raging pro sportsman in a sponsored car.

Doomsayer advice ranges from “don’t even think about hitch-hiking” (thanks Ivan) to “be wary your apartment doesn’t collapse into an underground tunnel”. Wise counsel, that…even if it does deliver the benefit of crushing any lurking funnel-webs.

Other activities off the ‘To Do’ list include joining a bikie gang, going for a drink with Home & Away cast members, driving with P-platers, eating dessert at the Coogee Bay Hotel and approaching ex-PM John Howard when he’s out walking.

Jeepers, even sauntering through the airport terminal can be dangerous if motorcylce gangs are about…and being stuck in a lift or unable to get your car out of a $35 an hour carpark is eminently possible when the power goes out. Three CBD blackouts in just a fortnight caused havoc last year.

We have also been warned off swimming (because of the sharks), investing money (because of the sharks) and taking taxis (because of the lost sharks).

We appreciate the advice, seriously. But, despite the trepidation, the family has shifted to Sydney regardless. My wife has been transferred, as many of the city’s early settlers were.

We’ll be among the 32% of Sydneysiders born overseas (let alone the newbies from interstate) striving to get to know and love the Harbour City – expats united!

For better or worse, we’ve shunned using a relocation expert and have set out to learn first-hand the secrets to surviving in this mega-city. Along the way we plan to share our experiences in order to make settling in Sydney easier for all Newbies.

If it saves just one tourist from being knocked down walking over the cycling side of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, all the effort in sourcing and compiling valuable information on one entertaining site will have been worth it.

If it stops Sydney Newbies from picking up a deadly funnel-web and saying ʻthis is the harmless Huntsman Spider isnʼt it?ʼ, weʼll be proud.

It will take time and patience to unlock Sydney’s mysteries and catalogue them…but we’ll have open eyes (watching out for spiders and footy players), an open mind (as to which of Sydney’s charms we’ll fall for) and an open heart (to go with the open wallet).

We’re simply going to put our heads down and bums up…do the hard yards…down Struggle Street…and give it a burl.

Except we’re telling friends and family we’ve actually moved to the Gaza Strip – it saves on the doomsday advice.

One wee family. One BIG city. Will it be love? Keep watching right here at sydneynewbie.com.

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5 Comments »

  • admin says:

    On ya Deano and Valerie, you guys will breeze it!
    See ya soon! Great site btw :-)

  • fcbiggs says:

    Brilliant!! Mirrors my own experience (except for the wife being transferred) exactly :-)

  • Axle says:

    Too right Sydney’s a tough bird! And I’m from only 1.5 hours drive away… On the flip side, it’s satisfying when you start to crack it.

  • conor geoghegan says:

    So you made the move to the Dark Side, Luke.

    Just remember to keep your vowels ruch clupped and unadulterated so that when you emerge back into the light your erstwhile compatriots will understand you.

    My last ( and only ) trip to Sydney was 15 years ago and I was very impressed, particularly at the lack of poisonous flying marsupials that the guide book warned of.

    I know the two of you will do very well over there and fingers crossed for the reverse takeover plans.

    ….ooops I’ve said too much.

    Must go know and get my bowler hat and suspender belt from the cleaners ( you have to blend in in the UK after all ).

    Kia kaha

  • Site finance says:

    My last ( and only ) trip to Sydney was 15 years ago and I was very impressed, particularly at the lack of poisonous flying marsupials that the guide book warned of.
    +1

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