Eaten Alive By Sydney
February 9, 2010 – 2:49 am | 5 Comments

When the prospect of a shift to Sydney is raised, the doomsayers often rise as well. And they’re nasty! The manner of one’s demise is always different, but the result is always the same – …

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Home » Featured, Understanding Sydney

Blending Into Sydney

Submitted by on February 9, 2010 – 5:17 am47 Comments

Letter Banditry and putting in earplugs – these are the first two of our top tips for Sydney Newbies to blend in upon shifting to the Harbour City.

BLENDING IN TIP NO 1 – TRY SOME LETTER BANDITRY…

If you’re keen to settle into Sydney you must learn how to take letters off signs – either by painting over, scraping off or pinching – to transform them into rustic & often downright rude messages.

Grassmere Reserve becomes assmere Reserve (they must have been disturbed before they could create ass ere serve), Playgrounds become laygrounds and St Leonards becomes na ds.

Sitting on the train the other day I was perturbed to read that “surveillance cameras may be in us” (not ‘in use’). But I chuckled when I saw that “transit officers and police randomly pat trains” (rather than ‘patrol’ them). I was going to write something amusing as a side bar, but was scared I’d be copped by the video camera inside me.

I then jumped a bus (glad that ‘j’ didn’t go missing) and read that “ass=ngers have to vacate their seat for a w ee hair.” When you’ve gotta go…

I haven’t been to Rooty Hill, but I bet it’s popular with the Letter Bandits. Hornsby Heights probably loses its ‘sb’ frequently – who wouldn’t want to live in Horny Heights? And I can see ‘me’ being taken out of Homebush all the time. I suspect the ‘r’ in Mount Druitt is also constantly under siege too.

Places I wouldn’t want to live – Airds (please don’t lose the ‘r’) , Bass Hill (without a ‘B’), Carss Park , Killara (without the ‘ar’ or the ‘ra’), Stanmore (without the ‘S’ because of melanoma), Wheeny (C)reek and Brighton Le Sands (not because of the letter banditry…I’m simply scared of bikie gangs).

Sometimes you don’t even need to change letters because the suburbs/signs say it all. Fiddletown? Why? Maroota. Yuck!

I do like the sound of Pleasure Point though. Pot(ts) Point has possibilities too. But I reckon Balls Head would take some licking as a place to live. What’s the suburb just above it? You know, just below the bush line?

BLENDING IN TIP NO 2 – BECOME A HUMAN COCOON…

Another good way for migrants to settle into Sydney is to ‘hear no evil’. Score an MP3 player, preferably an iPhone, but an iPod is almost as good. Everyone wears them, creating their own little human cocoons. It’s like, “if I can’t hear you, I’m safe…” I suppose it’s safe from being approached, being complimented, being asked a question…but less safe from being snuck up on and scared witless.

There is an important rider…wear little ear plugs – black or white, doesn’t matter – not the big, boofy, cover-your-whole-ears, as worn on construction sites. These look like Princess Leia’s side buns and are the domain of thin, white, pimplyfaced wannabe gangsters. Personally, I think they look incredibly naff, but they do have the benefit of covering up a lot of the wearer’s ginger hair.



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